So Much to live with?

Here I am again. It's May, 2011..wow. Doesn't seem possible that Kelly has been gone for 5 1/2 yrs. I just now got around to asking for her high school diploma. You see, she never got it. She wanted it so badly. So did I. I couldn't wait for her to graduate. But instead the night she was suppose to be graduating......I was attending Kevin's viewing. I remember hearing the fireworks, they display after every graduation here in our small town. It's real pretty. And the kids are all excited. From the funeral home I could hear the kids all cheering. But not Kelly. Not us. I was burying my second child the next day. I fell to my knees, and someone helped me up. I don't remember who, just that they did.
So, one tragedy after the other. My mom died now to. I had to watch her die day by day. Then, I left the hospital for just a short time, was going to return that night at 9:30 p.m. to spend the night with her. But she died before I could return. Now I am living with the quilt too. But somehow it's different with your parents. I am in grieving right now with her. But, the grief is different. Right now it's the guilt eating me up.
So, because of so many tragedies in such a short time, I decided it was time to ask for Kelly's diploma. Naturally she doesn't know a thing about it, but I do. I know she never got it. The school doesn't see it that way. They are sympathetic towards it, but don't see it the same way I do. Of course it isn't their child, that has alot to do with it. If it was, they would see it different. Ya think? It's a small thing, yet a big thing....I have all her school memories in a book, but the diploma that she earned is missing. I know, what does it matter, right. But it does.
Life hasn't been kind to me in some ways, and most kind in others. Since 1999 I lost my sister, my daughter, then my son, then my husband, then my father, then my son, and now my mom. But, I have received grandkids...as a blessing. Grandkids, they are amazing. Going to go now. Just wanted to jot down a few more things. It's late. Need to try and get some sleep. I am so lonely. I hate this loneliness...