So Much to live with?

Here I am again. It's May, 2011..wow. Doesn't seem possible that Kelly has been gone for 5 1/2 yrs. I just now got around to asking for her high school diploma. You see, she never got it. She wanted it so badly. So did I. I couldn't wait for her to graduate. But instead the night she was suppose to be graduating......I was attending Kevin's viewing. I remember hearing the fireworks, they display after every graduation here in our small town. It's real pretty. And the kids are all excited. From the funeral home I could hear the kids all cheering. But not Kelly. Not us. I was burying my second child the next day. I fell to my knees, and someone helped me up. I don't remember who, just that they did.
So, one tragedy after the other. My mom died now to. I had to watch her die day by day. Then, I left the hospital for just a short time, was going to return that night at 9:30 p.m. to spend the night with her. But she died before I could return. Now I am living with the quilt too. But somehow it's different with your parents. I am in grieving right now with her. But, the grief is different. Right now it's the guilt eating me up.
So, because of so many tragedies in such a short time, I decided it was time to ask for Kelly's diploma. Naturally she doesn't know a thing about it, but I do. I know she never got it. The school doesn't see it that way. They are sympathetic towards it, but don't see it the same way I do. Of course it isn't their child, that has alot to do with it. If it was, they would see it different. Ya think? It's a small thing, yet a big thing....I have all her school memories in a book, but the diploma that she earned is missing. I know, what does it matter, right. But it does.
Life hasn't been kind to me in some ways, and most kind in others. Since 1999 I lost my sister, my daughter, then my son, then my husband, then my father, then my son, and now my mom. But, I have received grandkids...as a blessing. Grandkids, they are amazing. Going to go now. Just wanted to jot down a few more things. It's late. Need to try and get some sleep. I am so lonely. I hate this loneliness...

Well, Kelly has been gone for almost 4 1/2 yrs. now. And since her death, my son Kevin also died by suicide, and then my husband, of 23 yrs. died in an accident that almost took me and my neice with it, and then my dad died, and then my son Cleve......I am still in a state of shock and disbelief,,,I find comfort in talking about it....I had to face the possibility of another trial with Arielle Beck by myself. She pled quilty.......gulity. But what she put my daughter threw, up to the day she died is unforgivable, what she allowed her mother to do......to Kelly and to my other children.............I shall not rest until I know Kelly can be at peace. I feel she isn't. That something is not being said. Kelly wants me to know the truth.......the truth about what? I can't rest. What is it? Kelly what is it?

Well, here I am again. And again, don't know exactly what I am doing. It is the end of October. It will soon be 2 years that Kelly has been gone from our lives. We miss her so so much. I wish, whoever is reading this could have known her. She made you laugh when you were sad, she made you sad when she would laugh, she had a sprit I thought would never give up. But give up she did. She gave up on life, because I know life gave up on her. Or so she thought. In that moment of darkness, of no hope, that forrest that swallowed her up. God, I loved that kid. I wish my love alone could have saved her. But, that night, maybe did she think for one minute I didn't love her? Why. She asked me for her brothers cell phone number, I gave it too her. She came back, upset that her brothers girlfreind had answered his cell phone and blew her off, that hurt Kelly, more than I could imagine. I did'nt know that. She thought at that moment everyone was down on her. Everyone. I feel I let her down. In so many ways. Not thinking. Swallowed up in my own misery. To see that my baby, my baby girl, was hurting. I want to post a poem she wrote. Later. I have to find it. She wrote several poems. Before the summer of 2002, her poems were funny, about life, and being a kid. After the summer of 2002, they changed. I will post some of them. Maybe someone reading has a child contemplating suicide. Kelly's was full of warnings. We didn't ignore these warning, I seen them. They hurt me to the bottom of my soul. We scrambled for help. That too is a long story in itself. She even went as far as moving to Denver, Colorado to be with my sister in law from my first marriage. She wanted to move to a city, that no one knew her story. Unlike the small town of Moab, Utah. She said, "mom, I just want to be Kelly again". Kelly Sowell, who enjoyed life. The pictures of her trip to Denver show this too. She was Kelly again. But after a time, when school was about to start, she wanted to come home. She missed her mom and dad very much. Her life here. Her neices and nephew. Her bedroom. So I let her come back. To die. I didn't know that then, oh God, I didn't know that then. I have tears now. I have to go. Later.

brokenjustice

Hi,
I don't even know what a blog is. So right now I am testing the water. I want to I quess the word is blog, my story, my daughters story, my son's story. I am Kelly Sowell's mom, and many of you have showed our family support, and some have not. For those of you that have, thank you. For those of you that have not, I appreciate your comments also. Kelly's story unfortunately is not unique. There are so so many victims of sexual assaults. Each has their own story, their own nightmares. In my daughters case I will have to keep referring to Arielle Beck here as her alleged perputrator with the ruling by the Utah Court of Appeals that was upheld by the Utah Supreme Court. Therefore releasing Arielle of any wrong doing and wiping her record clean. Even though Arielle spent 2 yrs. in the Utah State Prison for what I am going to refer to as rape, even though our legal system refers to it as sexual misconduct, sexually abusing, and in Kelly's case Forcible Sexual Abuse. But please remember Arielle Beck is now an "alleged perputrator", as she is innocent until proven guilty. That is our laws, and we must respect them. I am going to leave now but will follow up on any comments I do receive. Again I am not sure of what I am really doing here.